Most people treat their relationships like a co-op game. However, that is only one way—and admittedly a fairly boring one at that—to approach that topic. For those who crave more intense emotions, the game of relationship also offers a host of more competitive modes.
This is a tutorial for how to win at any adversarial relationship, against partners and metas alike. Fun for the entire polycule!
The core game loop: Martyrship and victimization olympics
You are good, actually, and your partner is flawed. Your love for this seemingly-unlovable person and how much you are self-sacrificing just to be with them is proof of your true love. Unlike in co-op mode, where the goal is to get everyone's needs met as best as possible, in PVP mode the goal is to be as loud as possible about not having your needs met. Optics is key here: Everyone needs to know about your suffering, and how good you actually are, and about all the mistakes your partners are all making.
It is of utmost importance to use any opportunity where you have been wronged. Demand apologies. If multiple people were wronged, make it very clear how you have been hurt the most.
Remember: Every time you succumb to a partner's need, remind them of the sacrifice you are doing for them. They got what they wanted, and they should feel bad about having needs and inconvening you with them. If this happens repeatedly, congrats, you may then play the people pleaser card. You are now a proud victim of abuse :)
How to win at emotions
The primary goal here is to minimize your own discomfort caused by negative emotions. Emotions are kinda fuzzy, but facts can be true or false, and thus all emotions always need to be grounded in facts so that they may be objectively argued about. When telling others your own emotions, make sure to always justify why you are right to feel this way. When others are causing you discomfort with their negative emotions, tell them they are wrong for doing that. Use facts to argue with them why their emotional response to the situation is inappropriate or overblown or wrong. Why are they making such a big fuss over nothing in the first place; some people simply are way too emotional.
Indirect communication tactics
Direct communication with your partners makes you vulnerable to their counter-arguments. Therefore, the safest play is to talk about them instead of with them. An easy win for example is to whine about all your partners' flaws and wrongdoings at length with other people. A more nuanced strategy is to take the game out on social media, with snarky sub-posts and nonmentions. Other people's failings make for great shitposts, but make sure to be ahead of the current discourse or someone else will one-up you before you can one-up them. When others do the same, complain about all the petty drama they're causing.
The art of weaponized non-apology
Sometimes, you may make a mistake. This is problematic because your partner will immediately counter by being hurt and making you look like a bad person. Fortunately, there is a way to parry: You simply need to apologize. Now, the mistake is undone and you are a good person again. Therefore, if your partner remains upset even after your apology, they are clearly the problem here and you are in your full right to be angry at them about that.
This works both with genuine apologies as well as with non-apologies.
However beware that genuine apologies make you more vulnerable: Your enemy partner may choose to accept the apology, which will void your parry and lead to a draw.
In the end, always remember: Apologies are always about who is right and who is wrong. A genuine apology is akin to admitting defeat, but a good weaponized non-apology can turn the cards in your favor again. Master this skill and you will be above fault.
How to exit PVP mode again
PVP mode can be exited by switching over to a co-op game, or by leaving multiplayer altogether. A crucial observation is that co-op mode can only be entered, well, cooperatively. Trying to cooperate with people who are interested in winning alone is a strategy for self-destruction (Yes this also is a metaphor about our democracies).
Unfortunately, there is a complicating factor to leaving PVP mode: Because many highly ranked competitive teams have been carefully selected over years for the purpose of fighting each other, there is no guarantee that their members may be suited and compatible for cooperative play. In such cases, the best strategy is to disband and exit the current relationship game in order to join a different team later on.
P.S.: I know that someone will end up reading all of this and try to weaponize it against others à la "you're playing in PVP mode and I don't so you're bad and I'm good", and fuck you in advance for that. You've already lost, game over.